The Farming of Wasps

Wasps; nature's way of making us look like dickheads.
Though it could be worse
than the wasp.
Condom - used - pulled from dog's mouth
found out back
in your yard.
Or taking a shovel to mouse
on death's door
a baby, not yet grown
crawling languidly across the kitchen floor.
     He cried
in pain
                She cried
watching.
                              He died.

Returning the shovel to shed
I couldn't fight it
though I felt it
I had done the right thing
    but I still felt a dickhead.
      Such things that I do
        I'll always own up to.
As for the used condom...

...

No comment.

Ol' Cousin Ike

The Houston sun was high and hot. The air was thick and humid. With no electricity to power the air-conditioning it was hard to breathe, let alone move. Having exhausted our back-catalogue of card games and tricks, and with only 4 strings left on the only acoustic guitar available to us, there was now very little to do to pass the time other than to sit on the back porch, sipping warm, unrefrigerated beer and listen to whatever station the battery-powered radio was capable of picking up.

We found the news and the message was the same and repeated frequently. "There is no looting in Texas". As the hours wore by, I could feel the sweat form beneath my hair and my bladder grow large and hard; I faded in and out of sleep as my ears grew numb to the message. "Stores are robbed every day, sometimes at gunpoint. These are called robberies. If it happens after a hurricane, during a city-wide power cut, it is still a robbery and not looting". They stressed, "There is no looting in Texas!"

I'm still not sure how well the message sank in, or if everybody believed it. On the other side of the road, in four-foot tall letters, spray painted on the shutters of the, temporarily closed, tattoo parlour were the words: "YOU LOOT, WE SHOOT!". I guess that's why nobody went looting in Texas.

When Nature Calls, Hang Up.

It was just another one of those nights. One of the good ones. Coming out of a club, drunk, with a pretty girl on my arm. I'd like to pretend they happened more often, but in truth they don't, but that is besides the point. Covered in a thin film of sweat from drinking too much and trying to dance in a massively overpopulated space, the warm, late-summer air was doing very little to cool me down. I wanted to get home as quickly as possible, preferably with the pretty-girl-in-tow.

I wanted to move on, she wanted to stay. Or at least wait. She had a friend still inside and wanted to make sure she was okay and had a way of getting home that wouldn't see her molested or regaining consciousness in a gutter by the side of the road at 6 o'clock in the morning when the milkman made his route past her. She was a good friend. But it left me in a dilemma as I really needed to get moving. Nature called.

As much as I love booze, at times it is not my friend. Taking more effect on my body than on my mind, I could feel it pressing down on my bladder and making an overly desperate attempt to escape. An unwanted bid for freedom by my body's unwanted fluid. Now was not a good time. I had to let it loose and I didn't want to lose the girl. There was no way I was going to sit with this feeling on a bus back to wherever we were going to end up and I sure as hell didn't want to be waiting - hopping from one foot to the other - for her friend to finally come out of the club. Life would be so much easier if I was just allowed back in to the club to drain. The bouncers were having none of it. They had worked far too hard to get anyone and everyone out in the first place that they weren't going to jump at the idea of undoing that by letting anyone back inside. I had to be the dirtbag. I had to find a private place in public.

My first question was "where to go?" The club spilled out into a trash-filled, dirty, little side-street and usually that would be enough. It would be a haven for the deed I would need to bestow upon the world. It wouldn't be a problem, either; it rained enough around here to wash the streets clean of any binge-drinkers' bile and filth. Being a side street wasn't enough though. There were the masses. The runts and the fuckwits. Drunk with no place to go. Just hanging here, there and everyfuckingwhere they could lay their feet to save themselves from having to go home. Some too drunk to leave. Some too desperate. Well, I needed to wade through this bunch of pricks, scenesters and wannabes and find myself a place to let rip. Every little alley and sub-road that led off this back-street was full. Kids chatting. Kids copulating. Kids dragging on weed and kids vomiting. There was no place left for me. No place except one road. One little diversion from the party. One little route to privacy. I'd nip down there. Nip down my flies. Let all hell break loose and then find the pretty girl again, in time for her friend to arise. Simple.

Little did I realise that where I was pointing was in fact the entrance to the car park of a nearby police station. It was dark, how was I supposed to know that's what it was? Where were the signs? In my ignorance, I didn't react to the car pulling slowly down the backstreet. I merely turned my back a little to try to save myself a little dignity. It wasn't until I took a startled double-take that I realised the nature of the mechanical beast bearing down upon my call of nature. The lights on top were a dead giveaway and triggered my deadly panic in the dead of this night. I tried to stop myself midstream but knew that was no good. I could at least hobble away and try to drain the last of it as I escaped. There'd be the masses back around the corner. I could disappear amongst them. The beer was cold tonight and plentiful. It had taken its toll completely on my bladder and at this moment it was relentless. I couldn't stop. It wouldn't stop. I felt the firm hand on my shoulder that would spin me around. I tried desperately to hold it in. It wouldn't stop. It would never stop. It splashed - it poured - freely on to the shoes of the, at first unimpressed but now irate, police officer's shoes. At this point I realised it would take a lot of charm and sweet-talk to get me out of this one. It was time to bid the pretty girl goodnight.

Heads or Tails

The little French restaurant was small and dimly lit, with candles flickering passionately on every table. A man and a woman sat alone at one of only two tables that were occupied on this quiet, bitterly cold winter's night. Despite the romantic setting, they were clearly not a couple. There were no signs that they were deeply in love. She was in her mid thirties, had a slender figure and remarkably cold, hard eyes that were framed by wavy blonde hair and exceptionally pretty facial features. Sitting cross-legged and constantly teasing her wedding ring with her thumb, she looked nervous and agitated. He, however, looked calm and serene. Sitting directly opposite her and leaning casually back on his chair, he looked almost bored. He referred to himself as the Doc, but didn't look like any kind of conventional doctor. He was tall, wide and oafish. Dressed in a finely tailored suit, his stubble-covered cheeks made him look unkempt and scruffy. They spoke in hushed tones.

"Heads or tails?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Heads or tails? Call it. I need to know where to shoot the fucker!"
"I don't care where you shoot him; I just want the cheating bastard dead."
"Don't worry, lady, he'll die. I just want a little fun first. So please, do me the favour and kindly call it. Heads, I shoot this pretty boy in the face. See how charming he is then. Tails and I shoot him in the heart. That'll teach him for loving too much. Or not loving right. Whatever it is."
"Look, sorry to spoil your fun 'n' all, but I'm not paying you to play games; I'm paying you to kill my husband. I don't care how you get it done, just make sure you do it right."
"Okay, okay, fine lady. I'll make the call myself. One last thing though; do you want me to cut his balls off?"
"What?"
"Y'know, cut off his manhood. Give you his prick as a sorta trophy to celebrate your riddance of the two-timing lover boy."
"No! No games, no trophies. What am I meant to do with his little cock now? I don't want this to be traced back to me in any way."
"So leave his prick in one piece?"
"Hmmmm, if you think it’s necessary, just don’t return it to me after."
"So I cut it off?"
"Yeah, cut it off. Start with that. Make the cunt suffer. Just make sure he dies at the end of it. Now, here, take your money. You'll get the rest when I'm a rich widow, as we agreed."
"If you know what's good for you, I will."
"Don't threaten me."
"Whatever lady, are we through? I've got bills to pay and kids to feed. Marriages to save."
"Yeah, go. Just make sure he dies."
"Always do, lady. Oh, one last thing; got a coin I can borra?"
"Oh, for Christ's sake, enough with the coins!"

Reaching into her handbag she pulled out a piece of shrapnel and tossed it onto the table, landing head-side up.

"I'm tired of looking at your face and hearing about you prattle on about fucking coins! Just do what I'm paying you to do and..."

She broke off, realising that she was speaking far too loudly in a public place for this kind of subject matter.

"Cool it lady, cool it. The coin doesn't matter now. I can see ol' Queenie's face and that'll do for me. We're golden. The coin's been good to me. I'll be on my way. Like I said, bills to pay and kids to feed. Marriages to save, and yours is first."

Miles from Broadway

Outside the café
sits the elderly gentleman
at the solitary table
that wobbles when you lean on it.
And he sits sipping coffee
with a thin cigarette
perched between his wrinkled finger-tips.

Across the road
a dog is tied to a lamp-post
outside the newsagents
that is also an off-licence,
owned by the brothers
whose religion prohibits alcohol,
but they drink it anyway,
and on this quiet afternoon
they stare out the open door
at the black Labrador,
panting outside
and sniffing at the scent
of next-door's takeaway,
or the outdoor butcher's stall.

And driving by are the
two blue-eyed boys,
with the red-headed girls,
in the car;
windows down
with music loud-
bass-heavy and beat-driven.
Off to the local cinema
to find a film
to get them in the mood
in the back-seats, where they fondle.
Within a week
they will swap partners-
simple teenagers,
looking for cocaine
or weed
or whatever they can get.
Maybe their parents' rum
bought on holiday
a decade ago,
untouched and dust-coated
at the back of the liqour cabinet.
It'll do
to get them drunk.
It'll do
for them to fuck to,
with music loud-
beat-heavy and bass-driven.

And outside walks alone
the actor,
or writer,
or musician,
who never made it.
His face beneath beard and scars;
his hands beneath fingerless gloves, tremble.
Feet blistered and hair itching;
skin dirty and clothes stiff.
Eyes bloodshot and jaw worn from grinding-
at least three teeth missing
many more black and yellow
guarding a breath so putrid.
Cold and desperate and hungry
and aching from the tired
he will never sleep away.
Ignored by the smoker with his coffee.
Hated by the shop-owner he tried to steal a loaf from.
Heckled by the teenagers, bored,
proving their bravado,
but loved by the dog
who shares his hunger-pains.
Walking the roads alone,
with pride long forgotten
he's now miles away from Broadway-
Miles from Broadway, without a home.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

A silky black cat I found
continually follows me around
until I stop
and wonder
Where did I leave my gun?
the one with the silencer on;
the one that never makes a sound.

Through Eyes that Hide

"Everybody wants work. There's no work left."

That's the message I overheard and it was a pretty apt one, too. I sat alone on a bench in the late spring sunshine, surrounded by several misfits, and I could do nothing to prevent myself from being privy to their words of wisdom that they passed on to each other. 

"My mother's from Austria, she moved here in the seventies and gave birth to me in King's College, raised me in Peckham." I couldn't help but feel that was the most interesting anecdote that he could offer from the back catalogue of his life-story. Next.

"She left me"

"Come again?"

"She left me. Lucy left me, man."

"Bitch"

"Don't say that, man."

"What?"

"Don't say that about her."

"Well, what do you want me to say?"

"Not that."

"Okay, well let's go get laid."

"Fuck you, man. You're a fuckin' shit. I'm sitting here, heart in pieces trying to open up to you. I'm trying to tell you how shitty I feel and all you can think about is sex. You're meant to be my friend, man. You're a fucking dog. Cut off your cock and balls and you're nothing. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. I loved her and she's gone. So fuck you!"

"Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Are you okay?"

"No. But I will be. Let's just go find some girls and get laid, yeah?"

"Yeah, but first we get drunk."

"Deal. I still mean it though. You are a fuckin' shit, and we're gonna need some luck finding girls around here in the middle of the day."

"I know. I know. Well let's move, it's your turn to buy."

"Fuck you, man."

They shuffled off together and I turned my attention elsewhere. Opposite from me, a man sat alone talking on his mobile telephone. I noticed he only had one leg. Not that it made a difference. He nattered on, "Well that's no good. Call them back and if there's still no joy, I'm going to the police." It seemed like it was an unnecessary reaction considering the apathy of his tone and, as a result, I wasn't entirely sure I had heard him right, but with only half the conversation available to me, I hardly cared. What he said could never make total sense and I really didn't fancy wasting my time trying to decipher it all. Move on. Next misfit. 

A lady sat a few yards to my right, violently dragging on a cigarette and mumbling incomprehensibly to herself. Then she would twitch a little, tousle her hair with her free hand, inhale again on her cigarette and continue to mumble. I was equally curious and terrified. I watched her from the corner of my eye knowing she couldn't see where I was looking through my dark sunglasses. They are a great accessory for people-watching when you find yourself alone. Sadly they don't work as well in the winter months - people get suspicious. 

The only person nearby not making any noise was a middle-aged builder. Sitting in just his work-shorts, with headphones in ears and eyes closed, he was absorbing every ounce of sunlight available. I guessed he was asleep. He was certainly my favourite.

I didn't want to have to listen to any more of their nonsense, and I wasn't going to. Shifting my body to reach for my headphones and squeeze them out of my jean pocket, the old bench creaked beneath me and shifted suddenly, causing the first precious sips of my pint to splash onto the table. The puddle would quickly evaporate in the sun and never make it into my blood stream. I quickly gulped a mouthful or two down to ensure that such an accident wouldn't be repeated. I felt amateur for waiting so long for my first wet taste, but this drink had to last and so I was taking my time and savouring it. I was in no rush. I had no work to get to.